General gives two-fingered salute to Broadway
Special issue No.6, April 4, 2006
© General K. Crawfootinmouth, Her Majesty’s Market Inspectors
Under my direction this organ has stood proud for the first time in its short history. It is with sadness, therefore, that I am relinquishing hands-on control. The Editor will be permitted to return to his chair as soon as soon as the good Dr Mengele has certified that the wounds in his lower intestinal tract have healed and that the chair will not be stained. This is expected to take at least a fortnight. There will therefore be a short emission. (Please, sir, surely “intermission”? Ex-Ed. Ouch!)
Martial law will end this week on the orders of His Excellency the Great Leader, J. Pipsqueak, and his assistante, Her Saintliness J. Blackbird. There will be some changes around here. Any Trotskyite found pelting effigies of Her Saintliness with rotten tomatoes will be reported for prosecution under section 8 of the Accessories and Abettors Act as amended by s65(4) Criminal Law Act (1977). They shall be liable to be tried, indicted and punished as the principal offenders (namely “King” Arthur and Tony Plateofbaconandeggsandanicesiciliancoffee).
Because I am merciful (as the Editor will attest, or suffer further injury to his lower intestinal tract) I have declared an end to the forged figs affair. I am willing … (Shtum - you’ve cost us enough already, Hackney Legal Department).
The Italian deli person, Marco Pierre-White, whom I had banned for failing to remind my Chief Inspector (Cpl J. Codroe) that he had paid his taxes, will be reinstated. However - and pay attention to this, Baroness Bredwell - there will be no more whingeing about how long my subjects must remain at their posts. My rules say that Mr Pierre-White must be chained to his stall, standing, for 110 percent of the day: Sir you will urinate BEFORE you come to my market.
I am delighted to report that all subjects in the market paid their taxes respectfully to my officers on Saturday, probably due to the respect engendered by their fine new yellow day-glo jackets marked “Market Officer”. It has been suggested by some limp-wristed neo-socialist that the words “Market Services” would have been more appropriate, as used by the Columbia Road posse. Blooming Heck! (Geddit?) This is Hackney! Who serves whom around here?
As for Councillors W. Hodgdaughter and A. Blueboffle, make no mistake: I am watching you on the closed-circuit television monitors. If I catch you interfering again I will report you for prosecution under the Interfering with Corporals Act (1493) which carries a sentence of one week in the stocks and a pelting with rotten tomatoes by “King” Arthur and the Hackney Independent People’s Front (Trotskyite chapter).
However this is unlikely to happen again because for her own protection Cpl Codroe is being reassigned to secretarial duties in my office where she will have a daily view of my helmet. Cpl Codroe and I have agreed that we shall no longer play the lyre (Please sir, surely “liar”? Ex-Ed. Aargh!).
Let this be a final warning to you all: I have been making up the law around here, and I can do it again.
Sgd. General K. Crawfootinmouth,
Commander-in-Chief,
Her Majesty’s Markets Officers,
Abu Ghraib Heights,
81 Downham Road,
London N1.
Department of no error on my part
Last week I was tricked into reporting that the chairman of your unlawful residents’ association, The Boomtra Babes, was “Wheezie” Wedgewood-Benn. I have now learnt that the chair is actually held by one Baroness Bredwell. I have been ordered to say that I did not mean to be direspectful - but what do you liars expect if you refuse to provide your passports, identity cards, television licences and lists of members, ex-members and Trotskyite hangers-on?
Links:
broadwaymarket.co.uk
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/hari_kunzru/index.html
34broadwaymarket.omweb.org
hackneygetsrippedoff.blogspot.com
hackneyenvironment.org.uk
opendalston.blogspot.com/
the real news on Broadway will return in its pre-martial law format three weeks from now.
Special issue No.6, April 4, 2006
© General K. Crawfootinmouth, Her Majesty’s Market Inspectors
Under my direction this organ has stood proud for the first time in its short history. It is with sadness, therefore, that I am relinquishing hands-on control. The Editor will be permitted to return to his chair as soon as soon as the good Dr Mengele has certified that the wounds in his lower intestinal tract have healed and that the chair will not be stained. This is expected to take at least a fortnight. There will therefore be a short emission. (Please, sir, surely “intermission”? Ex-Ed. Ouch!)
Martial law will end this week on the orders of His Excellency the Great Leader, J. Pipsqueak, and his assistante, Her Saintliness J. Blackbird. There will be some changes around here. Any Trotskyite found pelting effigies of Her Saintliness with rotten tomatoes will be reported for prosecution under section 8 of the Accessories and Abettors Act as amended by s65(4) Criminal Law Act (1977). They shall be liable to be tried, indicted and punished as the principal offenders (namely “King” Arthur and Tony Plateofbaconandeggsandanicesiciliancoffee).
Because I am merciful (as the Editor will attest, or suffer further injury to his lower intestinal tract) I have declared an end to the forged figs affair. I am willing … (Shtum - you’ve cost us enough already, Hackney Legal Department).
The Italian deli person, Marco Pierre-White, whom I had banned for failing to remind my Chief Inspector (Cpl J. Codroe) that he had paid his taxes, will be reinstated. However - and pay attention to this, Baroness Bredwell - there will be no more whingeing about how long my subjects must remain at their posts. My rules say that Mr Pierre-White must be chained to his stall, standing, for 110 percent of the day: Sir you will urinate BEFORE you come to my market.
I am delighted to report that all subjects in the market paid their taxes respectfully to my officers on Saturday, probably due to the respect engendered by their fine new yellow day-glo jackets marked “Market Officer”. It has been suggested by some limp-wristed neo-socialist that the words “Market Services” would have been more appropriate, as used by the Columbia Road posse. Blooming Heck! (Geddit?) This is Hackney! Who serves whom around here?
As for Councillors W. Hodgdaughter and A. Blueboffle, make no mistake: I am watching you on the closed-circuit television monitors. If I catch you interfering again I will report you for prosecution under the Interfering with Corporals Act (1493) which carries a sentence of one week in the stocks and a pelting with rotten tomatoes by “King” Arthur and the Hackney Independent People’s Front (Trotskyite chapter).
However this is unlikely to happen again because for her own protection Cpl Codroe is being reassigned to secretarial duties in my office where she will have a daily view of my helmet. Cpl Codroe and I have agreed that we shall no longer play the lyre (Please sir, surely “liar”? Ex-Ed. Aargh!).
Let this be a final warning to you all: I have been making up the law around here, and I can do it again.
Sgd. General K. Crawfootinmouth,
Commander-in-Chief,
Her Majesty’s Markets Officers,
Abu Ghraib Heights,
81 Downham Road,
London N1.
Department of no error on my part
Last week I was tricked into reporting that the chairman of your unlawful residents’ association, The Boomtra Babes, was “Wheezie” Wedgewood-Benn. I have now learnt that the chair is actually held by one Baroness Bredwell. I have been ordered to say that I did not mean to be direspectful - but what do you liars expect if you refuse to provide your passports, identity cards, television licences and lists of members, ex-members and Trotskyite hangers-on?
Links:
broadwaymarket.co.uk
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/hari_kunzru/index.html
34broadwaymarket.omweb.org
hackneygetsrippedoff.blogspot.com
hackneyenvironment.org.uk
opendalston.blogspot.com/
the real news on Broadway will return in its pre-martial law format three weeks from now.
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