Martial law declared
over forged figs fracas
Special issue No.5, March 28, 2006
© General K. Crawfootinmouth, Her Majesty’s Market Inspectors
I, General K. Crawfootinmouth, Commander-in-Chief of Her Majesty's Inspectors of Markets, Hackney, hereby declare that I have taken control of this wretched organ under emergency powers to be vested in me by the London Local Authorities Act (2010).
The Editor will be prosecuted under the Disrespect to Market Inspectors Act (1861). This carries a maximum penalty of one million lashes, confiscation of chattels (including wife and offspring), deportation to the colonies of the Southern Pacific Ocean, compulsory buggery, and certain death by dropsy (or syphilis, whichever should come first).
I will not tolerate disrespectful behaviour towards my officers, most especially Corporal J. Codroe. If Councillors W. Hodgdaughter and A. Blueboffle continue to behave disrespectfully they will be prosecuted under section 8 of the Accessories and Abettors Act as amended by s65(4) Criminal Law Act (1977). They shall be liable to be tried, indicted and punished as the principal offender (the aforementioned Editor).
It was entirely due to disrespectfulness on Saturday that Cpl. Codroe was forced to ignore the man struggling in the wheelchair, the vehicular obstruction and the unlicensed trader selling pirate recordings of Fat Boy Slim.
If the daughter of Mr. Les Mis, the pie and duck trader, was reduced to tears that was caused by her lack of personal discipline, not the actions of myself or Cpl. Codroe - the girl ought to be able to take a good talking-to. Let me make myself clear: there will be no snivelling on my market and you will stand to attention when addressed by my officers.
The allegation that your chairman “Wheezie” Wedgewood-Benn was “assaulted” by Cpl. Codroe’s escort is fanciful. I say again: You make this up as you go along. You are lyers and forgers.
Cpl. Codroe was forced to abandon her mission to collect taxes on Saturday due to the presence of an unauthorised photographer on my public highway contrary to the Unauthorised Photographers on Public Highways Act (1066). I will report this man for prosecution. Cpl. Codroe was then almost reduced to tears herself by the disrespectful behaviour of Cllr. Hodgdaughter who must stop meddling in affairs which have nothing to do with him. This is his last warning in this respect.
I am imposing martial law in the market until the matter of the trader, discovered by Cpl. Codroe to be selling forged figs, is settled to my satisfaction. I cannot allow a trader to trade in forged figs. This is a breach of the law. I am considering referring the trader to the police re pecuniary advantage by deception under the Obtaining Pecuniary Advantage by Deception Act (date to be added later). I have suspended the trader until he obtains genuine figs. If he trades without genuine figs I will confiscate his chattels and arrest him (just as soon as those makeshift police, the community officers, get off their backsides and obey orders).
Let this be a warning to you: I make up the law around here.
Sgd. General K. Crawfootinmouth
Links: broadwaymarket.co.uk
34broadwaymarket.omweb.org
hackneygetsrippedoff.blogspot.com
hackneyenvironment.org.uk
opendalston.blogspot.com/
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/hari_kunzru/index.html
over forged figs fracas
Special issue No.5, March 28, 2006
© General K. Crawfootinmouth, Her Majesty’s Market Inspectors
I, General K. Crawfootinmouth, Commander-in-Chief of Her Majesty's Inspectors of Markets, Hackney, hereby declare that I have taken control of this wretched organ under emergency powers to be vested in me by the London Local Authorities Act (2010).
The Editor will be prosecuted under the Disrespect to Market Inspectors Act (1861). This carries a maximum penalty of one million lashes, confiscation of chattels (including wife and offspring), deportation to the colonies of the Southern Pacific Ocean, compulsory buggery, and certain death by dropsy (or syphilis, whichever should come first).
I will not tolerate disrespectful behaviour towards my officers, most especially Corporal J. Codroe. If Councillors W. Hodgdaughter and A. Blueboffle continue to behave disrespectfully they will be prosecuted under section 8 of the Accessories and Abettors Act as amended by s65(4) Criminal Law Act (1977). They shall be liable to be tried, indicted and punished as the principal offender (the aforementioned Editor).
It was entirely due to disrespectfulness on Saturday that Cpl. Codroe was forced to ignore the man struggling in the wheelchair, the vehicular obstruction and the unlicensed trader selling pirate recordings of Fat Boy Slim.
If the daughter of Mr. Les Mis, the pie and duck trader, was reduced to tears that was caused by her lack of personal discipline, not the actions of myself or Cpl. Codroe - the girl ought to be able to take a good talking-to. Let me make myself clear: there will be no snivelling on my market and you will stand to attention when addressed by my officers.
The allegation that your chairman “Wheezie” Wedgewood-Benn was “assaulted” by Cpl. Codroe’s escort is fanciful. I say again: You make this up as you go along. You are lyers and forgers.
Cpl. Codroe was forced to abandon her mission to collect taxes on Saturday due to the presence of an unauthorised photographer on my public highway contrary to the Unauthorised Photographers on Public Highways Act (1066). I will report this man for prosecution. Cpl. Codroe was then almost reduced to tears herself by the disrespectful behaviour of Cllr. Hodgdaughter who must stop meddling in affairs which have nothing to do with him. This is his last warning in this respect.
I am imposing martial law in the market until the matter of the trader, discovered by Cpl. Codroe to be selling forged figs, is settled to my satisfaction. I cannot allow a trader to trade in forged figs. This is a breach of the law. I am considering referring the trader to the police re pecuniary advantage by deception under the Obtaining Pecuniary Advantage by Deception Act (date to be added later). I have suspended the trader until he obtains genuine figs. If he trades without genuine figs I will confiscate his chattels and arrest him (just as soon as those makeshift police, the community officers, get off their backsides and obey orders).
Let this be a warning to you: I make up the law around here.
Sgd. General K. Crawfootinmouth
Links: broadwaymarket.co.uk
34broadwaymarket.omweb.org
hackneygetsrippedoff.blogspot.com
hackneyenvironment.org.uk
opendalston.blogspot.com/
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/hari_kunzru/index.html
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